If I Never Knew You
by kitotterkat
Summary: After a fight, Clary recalls some of her experiences with Jace, and then looks to a life without him and realizes their relationship's true meaning. Warning: Fluff abounds! Please read and review!
1. The Rage

A/ N: I finally found my inspiration for my first multi- part fiction! It started as a long oneshot, then became a very long oneshot, and now it is a three- part fic featuring Clary, Jace, and the whole cast of characters. I hope you love it!

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**If I Never Knew You**

_**Part 1: The Rage**_

**In this world so full of fear**

**Full of rage and lies**

**I can see the truth so clear**

**In your eyes**

…. September 2010 ….

The ground was cool and smooth, and a relief on her body. Clary lay on the floor, hoping to absorb as much coolness as possible. Her fiery red hair pillowed her head, damp from exertion. She looked up at the white tiled ceiling but it was too bright. She squeezed her eyes shut until she sensed a shadow looming over her.

"Get up."

She knew that stern, hard voice anywhere. Though he had every reason to be tired, she didn't even hear him catch a breath.

"Tired." _Her_ voice, on the other hand, caught with lack of oxygen. "Break."

"Clarissa Fairchild- Morgenstern … _get up_."

"No."

A sigh. "Clary …" He was great with the stern voices, but she always gave in when he used _that_ voice. She opened her eyes, and was assaulted with the most beautiful sight: Jace Lightwood, in training gear. He was clothed in all tight black (naturally) fabric, dark metallic runes, and glittering silver weapons. His golden hair curled with sweat on the back of his neck. He looked like an angel, especially since the fluorescent lights framed him.

He held his hand out for her, but she just looked at him. "We've been going for four hours straight, Jace. _And _we were out until _three_ in the morning hunting that nest of Hyksos demons."

"Yeah, and you would have lost your left arm if Isabelle hadn't been there with her whip to save you." Jace said angrily. He looked irritated.

Suddenly, her body became surrounded by the smell of smoke and soap, and she was standing.

"You have _got_ to stop lifting me up like that, Jace." Clary said, now vertical.

"Why? It's fun." They were so close- she could smell him all around her. She found herself sinking into him. All she wanted to do was drown in him, be embraced by him, rest her head on the banded muscles of his chest.

So she did, and they sunk into each other, and then they were actually sinking and she felt the cool mat on her legs, and the burning warmth of Jace on her chest.

They were kneeling on the mat, still _embracing_. She could never get close enough to him, but it wasn't for a lack of trying. She used all of her Shadowhunter muscles to pull herself as close as humanly possible. He had no objection, squeezing her back with just as much fervor.

His hands were scratchy on the small of her back, so she helped him pull of his gritty training gloves off of his adept hands.

Immediately after she heard the soft _thump!_ Of the gloves on the mat, she brought her hands to his hair, running them through his bright golden mane. She opened fingers, letting his hair surround all the surface area possible. His hair was pure silk: thick and soft. He brought his hands to her cheeks. She could feel the thick calluses on his hands, developed as a product of years of hard fighting. They were rough, but comforting to her; a reminder of his strength- so lion- strong when fighting, yet so delicate when brushing her hair out of her face, or caressing her cheeks. She rubbed her face on his hand, sighing breathlessly, though she had more than enough time to catch her breath.

"Clary … Clary … we're supposed to train."

"Later." She said, burying her head into his neck.

"This is a waste of time."

She stopped the rubbing of his neck. She felt like her blood was going cold. Her brain seemed to freeze, short- circuiting with his brutal words.

"What?" She asked, pulling away. Jace also seemed numb, like he knew he had said the wrong thing. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. So she pursued. "Us being together- that's a waste of time to you? Kissing your girlfriend doesn't seem important enough when there's a knife to throw, an arrow to shoot, a sword to parry? You know, I wasn't lying in Alicante when I said I loved you. But in Alicante … you were just … _different."_

"Why is that … I don't think … Clary, you know I …" Jace sputtered for the right words, but Clary, for once, had had enough of her boyfriend.

"Save it, Jace. I just want to be alone." With that, she pushed herself up and strode out of the training room.

Thirty minutes later, she found herself sitting in the shower, her legs pulled close to her chest, her head in her hands. She couldn't stop the tears from coming, but she didn't want anyone to hear. When her mother was missing and Clary was somewhat homeless, living in The Institute, Isabel told her she took really long showers. It wasn't the showers that took Clary so long; it was the crying Clary always did in the shower, in order to drown out the noise of her despair.

The water had been cold for the last ten minutes, but she didn't care. She could barely feel it.

She missed Jace … and by Jace, she meant the man that she began dating in Idris. She closed her eyes, remembering happier times.

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…. July 2010 ….

_Clary woke up in her bed, or in the guest bed. The sun was warm on her face, but her down comforter was cool. She realized why she had so suddenly woke when she heard the banging on the door again. _

"_Get up, get up, get up!" Isabelle yelled. _

"_Just come in!" Clary hollered._

" … _It's locked." _

_Clary rolled her eyes. "Are you a Shadowhunter or not?! Use an unlocking rune." _

_Iz sighed. "God, Clary, you've got a lot to learn. Shadownhunters can't use runes against Shadowhunters. Using an unlocking rune invades privacy." _

"_No, see, that's where you're wrong. Once a Shadowhunter gives his express permissions or suggestion, another may processed, since he is now taking the Shadowhunter's own wishes into consideration, a mark of respect. Amendment to the white stone, passed during The Accords." _

"_Whoa. Okay." Clary heard the light scraping on the door, and the door swung open. _

"_So your lessons have been paying off." Isabelle commented, heading for Clary's bed. _

"_Amarie is great." Clary affirmed. "But we have so much to do before I can fight. I have eight years of marks to catch up on, learn _all _the bylaws … anyway, I'll be in Idris for observation for at least another month. The only things I'm picking up fast are the laws. I wish it were something more interesting. During observation, they always expect me to do something grand, because of my gift. I always come up short."_

_Isabelle crinkled her nose. "Observation?" _

"_I guess I'm not expendable. But they told mom they want me under the protection of The Council while I catch up." _

"_I mean, they're probably just wary. It's not like this has ever happened before." _

"_I think they're guinea pig-ing me, actually." Clary confided, sitting up straighter in bed. "I mean, now that the Mortal Cup is back in the right place, they'll be able to create Shadowhunters in my situation: all the raw talent, absolutely no training. That hasn't happened in twenty plus years." _

"_They are _not_ using you as a test. You've got skills like crazy. There's no way they would risk you." _

"_Good to know." _

_Isabelle laughed at Clary's skepticalness. "come on." She said, placing her hand on Clary's uncovered leg. "You've got a _ton_ to do today. You're getting your 12- year marks today!" _

_Clary sighed but allowed Isabelle to coerce her out of bed. _

_After showering and dressing, Clary bounded down the long staircase, eager for breakfast, and to see Luke and her mother, who had been away for the past three days. Eight days after the party, in which Clary finally got her fairytale ending with Jace _and_ Luke declared his maddening love for Jocelyn, Jocelyn pleasantly surprised _everyone_ and proposed to Luke. Isabelle later told Clary that it was much more common for Shadowhunter women to be the one to propose than it was in human culture since Shadowhunters believed women to be more emotionally superior to men. _

_Jocelyn and Luke didn't want to wait- and the downworlders and Shadowhunters were meeting in Idris in three months, so Luke and Clary's mom decided to marry then, with everyone present. The Clave liked that quite a lot … they decided to use Luke and Jocelyn as a symbol of the future. Their wedding was going to be _quite_ the event, so they had been spending ever second planning for Jocelyn's _second_ wedding of the century. _

_They had been away for three days, visiting locations in Idris for the wedding and taking a few days off. When Clary finally greeted her mom and soon- to- be dad at the breakfast table, Isabelle instantly asked how the scouting went. _

"_It went very well … we're considering Rycour." Jocelyn said, spreading jam on her toast. _

_Isabelle, who had beat Clary downstairs for once, squealed. "With the waterfalls?! That place is a fairytale!" _

_Luke chuckled indulgently. "Glad to know you approve Isabelle." _

"_Yeah, that's what _really_ matters." Another voice said sarcastically from the doorway. _

_Clary's head shot up from her gaze on her eggs. _

Jace.

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I hope you love it! For the next part to come speedily (and fluff- centriclly!) please drop me a review! I'd love to hear your opinions! Thank you!


	2. Worth Remembering

A/N … this is definitely the shortest of the sections, but also the most fluff- tastic! : ) I hope you're still enjoying this three- shot, and the next (and final) shot should be up soon! Please read and review … I'd love to hear what YOU want to see from the characters in the last section, and what you think I'm doing well.

Also, I don't own The Mortal Instruments series, or any of the characters I am writing about. My interpretations of the clave and the J/C relationship are all creatively based on Cassandra Clare's excellent work.

Enjoy!

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**If I Never Knew You **

_**Part 2: Worth Remembering**_

**If I never felt this love**

**I would have no inkling of**

**How precious life can be**

_Luke and Jocelyn hadn't been the only ones away. Jace, whose prowess was better than ever, had been asked to join the Elite Guard by the Clave. Jace couldn't say much about what he did, but Isabelle had filled her in enough. _

"_It means that he's the best. The Elite is five people in four categories: fighting, healing, history and weapons." _

_Of course, Clary learned that fast enough. She was already informed that she was going to be asked to join the History Elite …, which sounded really lame, but, considering that the largest branch of history was runes, she couldn't really be better suited for anywhere else. But she needed her marks, her training, and her grades before she could actually be invited. The Elite was the best. Isabelle and Alec would also be joining in Weapons, in the branches of whips and arrows, respectively. But, of course, they had to wait until the Elites currently involved would slip up. _

"_Or get old. When Elites retired, they get their white marks. Current Elites have the exclusive gold marks that set them a part from the rest of the Shadowhunting community: gold bands on their arms and the Elite symbol- a sunburst- on their lower scapula, and then the symbol of their field on their neck. Like, Jace is a fighter, so their symbol is a bursting obleisk. The obleisk, you know how that's part of the runes for strength and power? Well, the bursting obleisk … that's like explosive power. _

_Clary had also been learning that, what she used to thing made up symbols- lines and shapes- actually had names. The obleisk, for instance, was two swirls folded into each other. _

_But it didn't look like that when it was metallic, gold and bursting. It was so powerful, it made Luke and Simon's eyes hurt. It made _her_ feel like she was staring into the sun, but she could not look away as it moved closer to her. Then, it stopped. _

"_Eyes up, Fairchild." The voice attached to the marks whispered. _

_She followed he gold swirls that looked like flames licking a strong jaw, to the lips that directed her, the nose she nuzzled, and the eyes that made her forget her own name, but never his. _

"_Jace." She whispered. "Oh, angel, it's really you!" She ran to close the gap between them, throwing herself freely into his opening grasp. He held her close and spun her around. When her feet reached the ground again, they met for a sweet kiss. Clary forgot how much she had missed him. He had been gone for a week on some Elite mission- he couldn't say what it was, but she suspected it hadn't been here, because Magnus appeared on the same day the mission left, shocking Alec so much he left a deep gash into Clary's shoulder out of surprise. _

_Isabelle had been helping Clary apply marks since that instance. Well, until today. Today, only Jace would touch her, and she would only touch him. 'I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.' Jace had given Clary a ring that said that the day he left for his first mission. They had spent a lovely morning together, waking up clutching each other in a comfortable bed with the sun shining through the windows. They passed the day as usual, until the sun began setting over the mountains and Jace pulled his true love aside and pulled out a ring box._

…. June 2010 ….

"_It was my father's- my actual father's, I guess. Amatis gave it to me. She told me that he gave it to her when he was with Celine. He still loved her, you know … Valentine was poisoning him. But when he could escape, he'd get clarity, and then he'd try to contact Amatis. He left this to her right before he died. She told me that she thought I could get more use out of it." _

_Clary looked at the white- gold band with the strange words on it: _"meae sum puellae ac mea est illa."

_ "It means I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. I have one too." Jace whispered, holding up his hand in proof. "Clary, I know that this Elite Guard thing really freaks you out … but this is such an honor. And I want to do this. You know I'll be safe, I always am."_

_Clary looked at Jace in disbelief. "You are _never_ safe, Jace Lightwood. You are the least safe person I know! You take risks every time I've ever seen you- huge risks! Alec never killed a demon because he was too freaked about a demon killing you!" She hadn't meant to get mean. But Jace leaving her was really starting to freak her out. "I mean, I don't _want_ to not want you to go … but I just got you two weeks ago, Jace. I can't lose you."_

_ Jace looked at her sympathetically. Or like he thought she was going to flip out on him, more than she already seemed to be. "Listen, Clary … before I had you, I didn't really have anything much to live for. I mean, there was Alec and Isabelle, but Shadowhunters just place a different value on life. And dying early is okay, if you die for noble causes. We live fast and short, and I was completely fine with living my duty and getting out. I saw the world, most people did the same job until they were eighty. The way I saw it, I had ten more years. And then I met you. You were so different from anything I had ever known … you made me want to live as a part of your life. I wanted to live, so I could live with you. I _can't _be as reckless as I once was … I have too much to live for." _

_ That did it. If Jace meant to calm her down, he said the wrong things. The waterworks started, soaking through his white cotton shirt. _

_ "I love you." She whispered into his shirt. Had it been anyone else, they wouldn't have been able to discern her words, but Jace always knew her better than anyone else. "I love you so much. PLEASE be safe." _

_ "I promise." He whispered into her ear before kissing her forehead and holding her even closer. The necessity to breathe was not troublesome for two people who were as in love as they were. _

_ The remains of the day were fading fast and the sky was turning a dark maroon. Clary rested her head on Jace's shoulder and prayed to whoever was listening that Jace would come home safely. She gazed at the glittering band that was now on her finger, where it would stay, certainly, for the rest of eternity. _

_ He was, after all, her true love. _

… _July 2010 … _

_ Of course, she noticed as soon as she possibly could, their matching rings still remained in their places of honor. She hardly could care about anything- not her mother and Luke's return or her new marks or even her test in two weeks- except for Jace, who was finally back. _

_ The rest of the family hadn't wasted too much time in bothering Jace about questions they knew good and well he couldn't answer. It was hardly rational, anyway, with Clary standing there looking like she would positively die if she couldn't wrap herself fully around her boyfriend within the next seconds, and Jace looking like he had been away in a burning desert, and Clary was the first bottle of Evian he had seen in years. They were even less likely to get information out of the pair of them with their level of distraction. So, the formalities had been remarkably short, leaving Jace to pull Clary into the rarely- visited greenhouse of the Lightwood manor. _

_ "It's gorgeous in here. I don't know why more people don't use it." _

_ A shadow passed over Jace's beautiful face. "I think Maryse kept it for Max. He was the only one, besides Maryse and I, of course, that wasn't allergic to the point of annoyance, and he loved it here. He used to lie here and read comics for hours on end. Maryse always made me go up here and get him down. He'd always get so excited that I was coming to visit him … he never figured out that I was always coming up to get him down. So after a while, I just started going up there randomly, just because I started to feel guilty. It became our place. It's where I got to know him, where I got to love him." _

_ Clary lay her hand on his face. "He loved you. When I'd read comics with him, he'd always talk about his big brother, Jace, hwo he was the only one that would read them with him. He worshipped you, Jace." _

_ "I just wish I would have … appreciated him more, I guess." _

_ "He knew you loved him." She whispered. There was really no need to speak loudly. They were laying on a couch up in the greenhouse. Cushy and soft, it was the perfect place for to lovers to reunite. _

_ After that, there was no necessity to talk. They lay in companionable silence, Jace sometimes taking time to randomly kiss her bare shoulder, the curve of her back, her cheek. Even his innocent, distracted kisses made her brain go fuzzy. The warmth of the greenhouse, the perfect silence, the nearness of the other made for a memorably peaceful afternoon. Everything and nothing was said. They drifted in and out of consciousness, but it was all a dream, really. She really was living a dream._

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A/N: Once again, please review! :) Thanks for reading! Stay tuned!


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